


Black Feathers

by NanakiBH



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Melancholy, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-30
Updated: 2015-05-30
Packaged: 2018-04-02 02:24:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4042162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things could be worse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Black Feathers

**Author's Note:**

> Spawned at 5am one night when a few nice pieces of dialog came to mind.

"Ah..."

Victor didn't even look surprised when he figured it out. Julius let himself say too much and now he knew. He wasn't the first Ludger who ever found out, but Julius'd been priding himself on how long he'd been able to go without his Ludger - the most important one - finding out about his shameful secret. Victor just looked at him with a mild sense of intrigue, but his smile grew into something wicked, and that was when Julius began to worry.

Because he didn't want his Ludger to know, and he had the terrible feeling that he and Victor would cross paths eventually.

He could try to destroy him now, but... In his current state, he felt that victory would be entirely too uncertain. Even Victor sensed his hesitance to fight him, so he didn't engage. He was unusually civil with him - maybe because, at one point, he had been his brother. That had been a different brother, one of many Juliuses, but he could tell that there was regret within Victor somewhere.

Even if he weren't the same as his Ludger, Julius felt sure that no Ludger was capable of completely losing his heart.

"Well? I can tell you have something you want to say," Julius said, dangerously curious.

Uncrossing his arms, Victor sank into the couch nearby. Patting the open cushion next to him, he looked at Julius expectantly. "Why not get comfortable, brother? You are my guest, after all."

"There's no need to call me that." It didn't feel right, hearing someone else say that, hearing it come from those lips, feeling nothing. It was bizarre and only made him feel more disgusted with himself. There were thousands of Ludgers in thousands of other dimensions, but there was only one Ludger he felt something for. It pained him to destroy the others, but he didn't miss them. They were just fragments of what could've been; a glimpse at another life. Victor was no different.

"What's the problem? You're my brother. You're more my brother than the brother I killed, seeing as how you're the real one."

His chest burned. "I suppose we'd be arguing semantics, and I'm afraid I don't have the patience for that right now. My brother is the one who's waiting for me in my world. He's my only family. You... You already chose to throw yours away."

Victor's eyes narrowed. Clearly, he didn't like having his decisions criticized by someone he'd killed.

That was why Victor decided to go straight for the kill, hitting him in his open weak spot.

"That's alright. I see how it is. Your 'brother' is the one you love. No one else can be your brother, in that case. Am I wrong?" He grinned. "Hey, you know, with that kind of thinking, you could've been fucking me in every dimension you've visited. Did you? Did I tell you what a disgusting pervert you were in those dimensions too?"

He wasn't here for this. He didn't need to listen to this.

He just came to...

In any case, he knew that Victor was wrong. His heart had been crushed by what he experienced in other dimensions, but not for the reason that Victor was expecting. There had been so many dimensions... So many of them where he and Ludger were together. So many where they were happy. Even ones where they were married. It was surreal, and it destroyed him to destroy them and their happiness.

But he knew that the possibility of what he said wasn't zero. The fact that he was standing in a dimension where Ludger had in fact killed him already in order to protect someone else made him even more afraid of what his Ludger would think of him. And with the way things were heading... He didn't have much time left. He didn't want to risk earning himself Ludger's hatred when his days were this limited. There wasn't any hope left for his future, so it was the least he could do to quietly fade away without placing the weight of his sickness on Ludger, without making himself suffer more than he already had.

Ignoring what he said, Julius turned his gaze to the sun setting outside the windows. "I bet he loved you, too."

Victor said nothing.

"In every dimension... I've never met a me who didn't love Ludger. It's always the same. I'm cursed with this. So I'm sure..."

"Stop."

He'd finally ruffled his unrufflable black feathers. It felt like a small victory, considering that he didn't dare fight him with anything more than words. The terrible part of him indulged in the way that Victor's expression darkened with horror at the idea that he may have killed someone who'd loved him that deeply. His choice has been made, and he'd killed his Julius without ever knowing, without ever asking, without ever asking himself how it made him feel. Maybe, like those other, happier dimensions, Victor's life wouldn't have ended up this way if he had known. It was a devastating thought, but Julius really wanted to believe that.

"It makes no difference," Victor said, returning to his solid demeanor. "I had Elle. Even he got in my way and tried to hurt her. I... couldn't forgive him for that."

_Him._ They were different people now, he and Victor's Julius.

Victor just couldn't bear the thought.

"Elle, huh," Julius said, thinking aloud. He wondered if she were what stood between him and Ludger now. "What would you have done if he told you?" he asked, glancing at him without taking his eyes away from the window.

Of course, Victor didn't feel obligated to answer such a question, but he sniffed and straightened up. "I was married. I had a wife, you know."

"What if he told you before you were married?"

He just looked at Julius with a look in his eyes that wasn't difficult to understand. The fear that he'd squandered something was real and painful. He wouldn't have been looking at him that way if he didn't feel anything, but it was covered up quickly enough. He must have forgotten how to hide what he was thinking when he didn't have a mask to hide it for him. "Oh well," he said. And really, that was all he could say at that point. Julius couldn't blame him. Thinking about it any longer would have only caused him trouble.

"You're pitiable," Julius said, watching the way it made Victor's eyes flash. "Don't take that the wrong way. When I look at you, I mean that I feel something in my heart; something sad and regretful. You may have become like this, but you're still another version of Ludger. I guess I can't help but feel bad for you and the way that things have turned out in this dimension."

"I don't need your pity," Victor said, lacking heat. He mellowed out quickly, exhausted by the course their conversation had taken. "Not good enough to be a replacement, but you still treat me like I'm worth your time, even though I killed you. Even though I'm like this," he said quietly, delicately touching the uncovered black marks on his face. "...Thank you, Julius."

Running away from his regret was the only way that Victor could survive now. Julius knew how much it must have taken him to thank him. He wondered if he had anyone left who would show him kindness.

Removing the glove from his left hand, he stepped closer and touched the side of Victor's face gently, letting his damaged fingers brush against his darkness.

"I know what it takes to protect the person you love most," Julius told him, reluctantly withdrawing his hand. "This is the price we pay, huh."

“Why don't you tell him?”

He was a little surprised that Victor even asked him that. He would've thought he was taunting him if he hadn't sounded so genuinely curious. “I can't," Julius said with finality. That was the only answer for him to give.

“Why not?” Victor asked, sounding childishly stubborn.

With this line of questioning, Julius really felt like he needed to take a seat, but he still refused to sit next to Victor. He kept himself straight and crossed his arms awkwardly over his chest like they could shield him. Not even his glasses could hide the way he felt now, his emotion clear in his voice. “I thought you would've had that figured out already. I'm a coward. I can't tell him that now...”

“You're right. You're a fucking coward," Victor said, plain like the fact it was. “If the you of every dimension always loves him, then I don't know why you wouldn't think that the same could also be said for Ludger. I don't know what your Ludger is thinking. Honestly, I only care about myself, so I'm not going to even try – but wouldn't it be something if-”

That was it. This was what Julius expected from him.

“Why say this to me now? Why try to give me hope? Just looking for another way to tear me down?”

He was mad. He showed kindness to Victor and Victor was trying to repay him for it, but those weren't the words he wanted to hear. The most naive part of him, his whole heart, wanted to believe in what he was saying, but it was too dangerous to think about something like that now. Soon enough, he was going to die. They were both going to be dead soon. Hope was just a worthless sentiment and his love was a weakness. He would've abandoned it a long time ago if he could have, but it chased him, followed him, hunted him down until he was weary. As long as there was Ludger, his feelings would exist. It was impossible to erase them, but it was also impossible to act on them. From his suffering could only come more suffering, and he didn't wish that on Ludger.

“I just... want him to be happy.”

“As if you're that selfless,” Victor said, catching him in the worst kind of lie.

Yeah...

If he had it his way... If things could be perfect, he would tell him. He wanted to tell him, and he wanted them to be happy. He wanted Ludger to love him the way that he loved him. Even if it were for just a few days. Even if it were just for an hour. Even if Ludger had to pretend, he wanted to feel that kind of love from him and see him smile at him like he meant the world to him.

Because Ludger was certainly the most important thing in his world. But he knew that he didn't come first in Ludger's anymore.

No...

Victor looked away, his face solemn. “If you're looking for wise words, you won't find them here. I don't know what you want to hear. If you've really no hope, then go die already. I don't feel like wasting my breath on anyone so pathetic.”

Julius stood very still, thinking.

“...Why am I still alive?”

For what reason?

Was it the same reason as Victor? He was in pain, nearing his own death, but Victor was still there because he believed in Elle, and he wanted them to be together. He believed in her. She was the one carrying his future.

Victor hadn't given up yet. He'd only passed the baton.

He understood without Victor having to say a word.

He didn't have to give up. There was still time - maybe more than he even realized. If he placed his heart and soul in Ludger's hands, he would give him his future, trusting that he'd find a way for them to both be happy. If he couldn't live long enough to see a world that accepted him as he was, then maybe she would be his hope. He wanted to be with Ludger – _his_ Ludger – but maybe there wasn't anything wrong with the way Victor saw things.

He and Victor... They were selfish.

It wasn't ideal, but if being reborn meant another chance, then closing his eyes might not be so bad. Next time, someday, in a new world, maybe they wouldn't be brothers.

That would be...

Victor looked him straight in the eyes.

“You look miserable.”


End file.
